Random Thoughts of Cass

 An open letter to my father, since nobody reads these anyway. That's right. I deserved a seat - at my own family's table, that I didn't get, and probably never will have. That's all I wanted, love without conditions , acceptance, and your time .  I didn't want your fucking money . That's the only thing you seemed to know how to do, was throw money my way, like crumbs, and expect everything to be ok. No. It's not okay.  Money doesn't solve everything. It doesn't take the place of all the times I just wanted to hang out with you, and be your daughter. It doesn't solve the days and nights I've spent crying, wondering what I ever did wrong to deserve such a deadbeat for a father. Money doesn't replace the time lost.  You left me before I was even born. Did I deserve that? Absolutely not. I was an unborn child about to arrive into a world that I now feel was meant to fail me in every way. I spent the first 10 years of my life not knowing y...

  "There's a deep loneliness in being the one who recognizes the dysfunction in your family." Whoever said this quote, is absolutely right. There is an even deeper  loneliness when the dysfunction lies on both sides of the family tree. Both my mother and my father's families. The loneliness of not being able to have the family that I desperately want around me and hope for.  I grieve people who are still alive, every single day.  My father, my grandmother with dementia who doesn't remember much of anything anymore, and now my mother, who only seems to care about the men she's with over her own children. And money.  I've been an outsider my entire life. In school, in friendship groups, families, and just any group of people in general. These past couple of years have finally helped me understand why I've been conditioned to be an outsider and independent, it's because of my own family and all of its dysfunctions.  Being an outsider my entire life, u...