This hit me.

 "There's a deep loneliness in being the one who recognizes the dysfunction in your family."

Whoever said this quote, is absolutely right. There is an even deeper loneliness when the dysfunction lies on both sides of the family tree. Both my mother and my father's families. The loneliness of not being able to have the family that I desperately want around me and hope for. 

I grieve people who are still alive, every single day. My father, my grandmother with dementia who doesn't remember much of anything anymore, and now my mother, who only seems to care about the men she's with over her own children. And money. 

I've been an outsider my entire life. In school, in friendship groups, families, and just any group of people in general. These past couple of years have finally helped me understand why I've been conditioned to be an outsider and independent, it's because of my own family and all of its dysfunctions. 

Being an outsider my entire life, up to this point, has in a way prepared me for this, without me even knowing or acknowledging it. It sucks. I feel alone all the time. But lately, I've never felt so alone in my life. I have a wife who loves me, and I appreciate that, but there's a loneliness in me that it's hard to fully explain. 

I hate being the cycle-breaker. Why did it have to be me? This shit is fucking lonely, and because I'm the one who sees through the total, utter bullshit of both sides of my family, I suffer alone. I'm not like any of them. I don't fit in, and because I don't kneel to their every family norm, I'm the one who suffers. 

Nobody ever cares to read these blogs anyway, so I don't mind posting this here. If you've read this, great, thanks.